Breakdown Schmakedown
The rain seemed to intensify just as I pulled into a parking space as far away as possible from Target's front doors. I sat for a second in the car, which was exactly how long it took for tears to start falling. I tried to muffle my sobs so Buddance would not hear me, but he was only inches from me, not miles, and I am sure he heard something.
'I don't even have a hood on...it's freezing cold outside...will I put M in his stroller, or attach his seat to a cart...I am really hungry...do I really need to be here right now...and why am I so upset?' All these thoughts raced around in my head, colliding and causing more upset in my already screwed up mind.
I hastily wiped my tears away, backed out of the space and drove home talking to M the entire way, trying to distract myself from my stress. We pulled up at the house and miracle above miracle: J was still there. I hurried inside, trying to keep Buddance as dry as possible and when J met me at the door and asked if everything was alright, I wanted to cling to him for dear life.
"I just couldn't do it. I got to the store and thought what am I doing? I am too tired for this" was my response. That was an unusual response for me, it is rare that I admit I am stressed, or don't follow through with errands or tasks that I have to complete.
J gathered Buddance out of his car seat, thank God, and I came upstairs and had a nice good cry on my bed. That was all I needed. For a little over a minute I sat in my room and gathered myself together, and I was better. I had to let my frustrations out and then I felt like I could face my life as a better momma and wife.
These last few days have been hard on all of us. J has been so very sick and while he did his best to take care of The Bud, I still did a majority of the work. Then there is the whole let-me-wake-up-at-four-in-the-morning-for-no-real-reason thing that has happened to Buddance for a little over a week now, which is absolutely driving me crazy. I was letting him cry it out, but was doing nothing for any of us, except making us all mind numbingly tired, so I decided to feed M for a quick period of time and try and phase that out again. So, while everyone else goes back to sleep after the 4am alarm, I don't, and I am not sure why. It's always fun to lie in bed for two hours begging my body to relax and just sleep already.
Today, during all this upset I focused on what it would be like when there are two kids in the house, not just one. Could I get up every day, do this job, and still be alive to tell about it at the end of the day? And honestly? I think I can. I am a great mom, I am really proud of the way I handle all the mundane, everyday tasks, while taking care of Matty and working full time.
There are times that I wish I had help, but then again, do I really need it? Sure, it would be nice to have a break every now and then, but I can do this! Not to mention, I would not feel right having someone else step in and raise my kid for me. Knowing me, I would want to correct everything they did, and I would hover over them, which would be an absolute waste of my time...not to mention money.
"Here let me show you how I parent. Now. Do it this way. All the time. Oh just go home, your doing it all wrong!" Yeah. That would go really well. Now, talk to me once I have more kids, and maybe I will eat my words, or at the least, try and get a break every once in a blue moon.
I love being with Buddance. He is an amazing child and goes with the flow pretty much all the time. I love everything about my life, I would not change a thing. Even the stressed out moments, because ultimately, they make realize all the things that make my life so absolutely wonderful.
'I don't even have a hood on...it's freezing cold outside...will I put M in his stroller, or attach his seat to a cart...I am really hungry...do I really need to be here right now...and why am I so upset?' All these thoughts raced around in my head, colliding and causing more upset in my already screwed up mind.
I hastily wiped my tears away, backed out of the space and drove home talking to M the entire way, trying to distract myself from my stress. We pulled up at the house and miracle above miracle: J was still there. I hurried inside, trying to keep Buddance as dry as possible and when J met me at the door and asked if everything was alright, I wanted to cling to him for dear life.
"I just couldn't do it. I got to the store and thought what am I doing? I am too tired for this" was my response. That was an unusual response for me, it is rare that I admit I am stressed, or don't follow through with errands or tasks that I have to complete.
J gathered Buddance out of his car seat, thank God, and I came upstairs and had a nice good cry on my bed. That was all I needed. For a little over a minute I sat in my room and gathered myself together, and I was better. I had to let my frustrations out and then I felt like I could face my life as a better momma and wife.
These last few days have been hard on all of us. J has been so very sick and while he did his best to take care of The Bud, I still did a majority of the work. Then there is the whole let-me-wake-up-at-four-in-the-morning-for-no-real-reason thing that has happened to Buddance for a little over a week now, which is absolutely driving me crazy. I was letting him cry it out, but was doing nothing for any of us, except making us all mind numbingly tired, so I decided to feed M for a quick period of time and try and phase that out again. So, while everyone else goes back to sleep after the 4am alarm, I don't, and I am not sure why. It's always fun to lie in bed for two hours begging my body to relax and just sleep already.
Today, during all this upset I focused on what it would be like when there are two kids in the house, not just one. Could I get up every day, do this job, and still be alive to tell about it at the end of the day? And honestly? I think I can. I am a great mom, I am really proud of the way I handle all the mundane, everyday tasks, while taking care of Matty and working full time.
There are times that I wish I had help, but then again, do I really need it? Sure, it would be nice to have a break every now and then, but I can do this! Not to mention, I would not feel right having someone else step in and raise my kid for me. Knowing me, I would want to correct everything they did, and I would hover over them, which would be an absolute waste of my time...not to mention money.
"Here let me show you how I parent. Now. Do it this way. All the time. Oh just go home, your doing it all wrong!" Yeah. That would go really well. Now, talk to me once I have more kids, and maybe I will eat my words, or at the least, try and get a break every once in a blue moon.
I love being with Buddance. He is an amazing child and goes with the flow pretty much all the time. I love everything about my life, I would not change a thing. Even the stressed out moments, because ultimately, they make realize all the things that make my life so absolutely wonderful.
posted by Al at 12:25 PM
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