It ain't easy bein' blue

This past week I haven't been as depressed as I was when the miscarriage first happened. I have told some close friends about the awful turn of events, and for the most part the support I have received from people has been outstanding. I still think about my loss, but the sharp, stabbing pain has subsided and I am feeling better.

Last night I was out at dinner and the couple sitting next to us ran into friends they knew. It turned out both women were pregnant. One due in September, one in December. Being only a foot away from their table, I could hear the entire conversation, which had a harsh affect on me. Listening to them talk about what plans had already been made, what they still needed to do, how far along other friends of theirs were, etc. made me long for the baby that I lost. I yearned to feel what they were experiencing, wished I could shop for baby things and wanted to stand up, flip my table over and scream Fuck it! and walk away. Instead I just sat there, wishing that they would shut up so the tears would quit running down my face.

I was surprised at the force with which my feelings resurfaced, and it startled me that I was so upset by just overhearing a conversation. But, after thinking about everything in my crazy mixed up brain, it also made sense. I should be doing all the things they are doing right now. Right this very instant I should be debating about a baby name, spending half my work day looking at wee little baby clothes online, and getting fat...but I'm not. And that makes me sad.