Officially half way (crazy)
This week marked the half way point of my pregnancy. To say I am relieved is quite an understatement, more like thankful, comforted, pleased, reassured, and less freaky-out all wrapped into one big sigh of relief. Okay, perhaps I exaggerated on the less freaky-out part, maybe that is about the same, or...worse? Oh, who am I kidding? The freak out is MUCH worse. If any co-workers had happened into my office a mere two days ago they would have caught me bawling my eyes out on several different occasions, worried about who in this world is qualified enough to watch my precious, darling child, besides me and it's father? And that was just my Tuesday worry; my worries like to vary day to day. You know - it keeps life exciting!
As I progress further and further through this pregnancy I become more protective of this child, my flesh and blood, my temporary tenant. I want nothing but the best for this kid, and how am I, a mere mortal, going to be able to provide all that? I know that my faith and my marriage will be steadfast examples of what I want my child to witness, but what about when this child goes to pre-school? What about the mean kids who may live next door and tease my little one? How can I make sure that the psychos stay far away from the apple of my eye? Reading about the school shootings that continually happen, and hearing about the violence and mayhem that is a constant part of our world scares the ever-living crap out me. Sometimes I question my decision to bring another person into a world that seems to be turning upside down as I type this. It is a confusing feeling to want to child more than anything; and at the same time to wish that I could bring a child into a different world, perhaps a parallel world that was all the good things we see day in and day out, and none of the bad.
Right now I should be worrying about what colors to paint the nursery, what car seat to cart this kid around in, will my milk fully come in? Don't get me wrong, I AM worried about all that, but I am also so worried about what this child's life will be like, and will my love for this child be enough to protect it from all that I fear. Reasonably, no, but please don't burst my bubble by telling me that a mother's love is not the answer to everything, because right now I need to believe that it is.
On a much lighter note, friends of mine threw me a 'good luck' brunch over the weekend and it was such a joy to attend. It is so nice to know this baby is loved so much before it even enters this world. I got some great books as gifts at the brunch, and we have already started reading some of them to my belly at night, which I absolutely love. I still haven't felt the kid move since that time, over a week ago, when it could have been moving, but also could have my brain on spaz mode. To say I am a little worried about not feeling it move again is...well...a big fat understatement. Have I done something to harm this baby? Was the bath water to warm? Was my workout to strenuous? Did I eat too much Nutella? In all seriousness, I hope this kid is okay, I just need to feel it move again and I can replace that worry with another one. A mother's work is never done!
As I progress further and further through this pregnancy I become more protective of this child, my flesh and blood, my temporary tenant. I want nothing but the best for this kid, and how am I, a mere mortal, going to be able to provide all that? I know that my faith and my marriage will be steadfast examples of what I want my child to witness, but what about when this child goes to pre-school? What about the mean kids who may live next door and tease my little one? How can I make sure that the psychos stay far away from the apple of my eye? Reading about the school shootings that continually happen, and hearing about the violence and mayhem that is a constant part of our world scares the ever-living crap out me. Sometimes I question my decision to bring another person into a world that seems to be turning upside down as I type this. It is a confusing feeling to want to child more than anything; and at the same time to wish that I could bring a child into a different world, perhaps a parallel world that was all the good things we see day in and day out, and none of the bad.
Right now I should be worrying about what colors to paint the nursery, what car seat to cart this kid around in, will my milk fully come in? Don't get me wrong, I AM worried about all that, but I am also so worried about what this child's life will be like, and will my love for this child be enough to protect it from all that I fear. Reasonably, no, but please don't burst my bubble by telling me that a mother's love is not the answer to everything, because right now I need to believe that it is.
On a much lighter note, friends of mine threw me a 'good luck' brunch over the weekend and it was such a joy to attend. It is so nice to know this baby is loved so much before it even enters this world. I got some great books as gifts at the brunch, and we have already started reading some of them to my belly at night, which I absolutely love. I still haven't felt the kid move since that time, over a week ago, when it could have been moving, but also could have my brain on spaz mode. To say I am a little worried about not feeling it move again is...well...a big fat understatement. Have I done something to harm this baby? Was the bath water to warm? Was my workout to strenuous? Did I eat too much Nutella? In all seriousness, I hope this kid is okay, I just need to feel it move again and I can replace that worry with another one. A mother's work is never done!
posted by Al at 3:22 PM
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