It ain't easy bein' blue

This past week I haven't been as depressed as I was when the miscarriage first happened. I have told some close friends about the awful turn of events, and for the most part the support I have received from people has been outstanding. I still think about my loss, but the sharp, stabbing pain has subsided and I am feeling better.

Last night I was out at dinner and the couple sitting next to us ran into friends they knew. It turned out both women were pregnant. One due in September, one in December. Being only a foot away from their table, I could hear the entire conversation, which had a harsh affect on me. Listening to them talk about what plans had already been made, what they still needed to do, how far along other friends of theirs were, etc. made me long for the baby that I lost. I yearned to feel what they were experiencing, wished I could shop for baby things and wanted to stand up, flip my table over and scream Fuck it! and walk away. Instead I just sat there, wishing that they would shut up so the tears would quit running down my face.

I was surprised at the force with which my feelings resurfaced, and it startled me that I was so upset by just overhearing a conversation. But, after thinking about everything in my crazy mixed up brain, it also made sense. I should be doing all the things they are doing right now. Right this very instant I should be debating about a baby name, spending half my work day looking at wee little baby clothes online, and getting fat...but I'm not. And that makes me sad.

Why Baby, Why?

For the past week I have thought about posting here, and it has made me so sad. The last post was about getting my pregnancy confirmed at the doctor's office. This post will be about the fact that I am no longer pregnant. Apparently it is very common for women to miscarry during their first pregnancy (for some it is common to miscarry several times), I just wish I wasn't included in those statistics.

My brain knows that the embryo wasn't developing correctly, and that most likely there were problems my body tried naturally to correct. My heart does not know any of this, but feels hollow and empty. Much like when I first discovered I was pregnant, I have been walking around in haze, only this haze contains no joy, only sorrow.

There have been a variety of different responses (we told more people that I miscarried than we did that I was pregnant) to the fact that I am no longer pregnant, most have been very supportive, but some make me want to stick a fork in my eye. The "it's no big deal"s and the "maybe it was for the best"s are not what I want to hear right now. This was a baby. My first baby. It was a big deal. Sure I was scared, Lord knows I was nervous, but I was also excited, thrilled, and eager to have a child. Yes, I was less than three months along, but I was already planning well beyond that. I may have already thought about a driver's license and college. I said MAY have.

Life goes on around me as I continue to sit and wonder what my life would have been like in 9 months. I am angry, bitter and confused. I am jealous of other women who are pregnant and those who have children. I cry. A lot. None of my actions or thoughts will change what has happened. Acceptance is the hardest pill to swallow.