Take a deep breath

I would just like to go on record and say that the more you worry about your baby not moving inside of you, the more awesome it is when you do finally feel it doing karate on your insides. Every night since last Friday night I have felt my baby move around and it is so wonderful. I heard the heartbeat again today and that also calmed my crazy, panicky mommy fears, so things are good for Cletus, and good for me. Now, if we could just get Cletus' room ready I would be a happy camper. Something tells me that a hole in the ceiling of the baby's room is not exactly proper ventilation. And, even though we are in the process of sealing up this ginormous hole, we will still create more holes in the walls around the baby's room, because somewhere I think I read that breathing in drywall dust is really healthy for expectant mothers and their babies. Or was it only healthy for babies? At any rate, at least one of us should be a-okay.

But. You know what is not a-okay? Conversations with other mothers who give me advice of which I am already well aware. Just last night I was at a function where other mothers were asking me how I was feeling, which, don't get me wrong, I appreciate their concern. I gave my old faithful reply of 'I am feeling good except for my insomnia. But, if insomnia is the worst that happens to me during this pregnancy, I will consider myself lucky'.

One other mom piped up: Oh! You aren't sleeping at night right now? That isn't good.

Me: Well, I have good nights and bad nights, the good nights are becoming more frequent, thank God.

Other mom: Well you should really try and get some sleep at night.

Me: .... (internal eye roll)

Other mom: I wasn't sleeping at night during my pregnancy either, I know it was my body's way of preparing me for what was coming, and I was one of those people who needed at least 8-9 hours of sleep. But you know, now is when you need sleep, it is only going to get worse. You should try and sleep at night.

Me: Yes...well...I certainly am trying!

Internal Me: (Self: You should try and SLEEP. Duh.)

Other mom: It is just very important for you body that you get rested now. (Really?) I hope you try and get some sleep tonight.

Internal Me: Self: All you need to do is sleep. You are so dumb. Why don't you try that when you get home.

Me: I am definitely trying. Just like I am definitely trying NOT to punch you in the face right now.

So maybe I didn't exactly say that last part, but you better believe I thought it. I appreciate talking to other moms, I love hearing what they have to say, what they would have done differently, what they love about being a mom. But stupid, obvious assvice is not appreciated in any way, shape or form. It seems that anyone who has a child feels authorized to give advice, no matter how un-needed that advice, er, assvice may be. I suppose I should prepare myself for a lifetime of assvice...and I should also prepare my right fist for a lifetime of face contact. Or I could just smile, nod, and take a deep breath. A gloriously deep, dust-filled, breath.

Veintiuno

Last night I had a dream that was my first introduction to pregnancy panic dreams. In my dream I birthed a baby boy and he was healthy and fine, the only problem was I could not remember his name, so I just talked to everyone about him in general terms. Once we brought my nameless baby home we arrived to a house that was completely unprepared for a baby. We had TWO diapers in the whole house and nothing else. The amazing thing about this child was he only used one of the two diapers the first day he was home, and we were so relieved. If only this kid would use one diaper a day, that would be a real cost cutter, huh? Interestingly enough, my husband also dreamed last night that we had a baby boy, and that he grew from a small baby into a genius four year old in one day. So, you could conclude two out of three things from these dreams: we are having a boy, we are having a girl, we are both going a little nuts.

This crazy dream was my welcome wagon to my 21st week. Today, according to several different books, my baby is the length of a spoon, or of a banana. And according to these books, I am probably not able to hide my pregnancy any longer, most people know I am pregnant just by looking at me. Um, baby books? Most people knew I was pregnant just by looking at me, oh...about two months ago. Thanks, but I am waaaay ahead of you.

My weight gain continues to surprise me. I went for a mile long swim this morning, and finished quite a bit slower that what I am used to finishing. The last time I swam was last Thursday, and I feel like I have slowed since then, which caught me off guard. I did not expect to be able to tell such a difference in my swimming ability in a few short days, but apparently when there is another person growing inside of your body, you have no control over the rate at which you slow down. Who knew?

Oh the times...they are a changin'

Looking back over these last few months there is no doubt that things are different. Let's see...first off; I'm pregnant. That's a big fat "no duh" on the different scale, but other things have changed too, little things, ones that I used to take for granted. Let's take a fond look back on the last few months, before my belly started giving my cleavage a run for its money, and reminisce, shall we?

So much has changed, I am not unhappy with any of the changes, but let's just say that adjusting a whole new body can be...well...a challenge. Let me present a list of the changes from just a few months ago, in no particular order:

I could sleep

I could workout without stopping to pee every 10 minutes

I could go through my day without stopping to pee every 30 minutes

I only had to worry about myself and my husband

My chest didn't touch my stomach when I sat down

My bras all fit

I only had to wear one sports bra to work out

My brain could hold onto more than one thought at a time

I didn't vividly dream about birthing puppies

I could sit on the floor without needing to use a backhoe to stand up again

I had a lap

I didn't know what convertible car seat meant

I wasn't sporting two tone hair (3 inch roots are not all that attractive, really)

I could easily shave my legs

I could climb stairs without going into cardiac arrest

I didn't wear the same damn thing every single blessed day

Looking back over this list I know it seems trivial, but really, I took a lot of these for granted when wasn't playing host body to a certain little wee one. While I may add to this list over the next few months, I can say without a doubt that I wouldn't change one single thing about my life or body. I love everything that this list represents because ultimately it represents my child.

Officially half way (crazy)

This week marked the half way point of my pregnancy. To say I am relieved is quite an understatement, more like thankful, comforted, pleased, reassured, and less freaky-out all wrapped into one big sigh of relief. Okay, perhaps I exaggerated on the less freaky-out part, maybe that is about the same, or...worse? Oh, who am I kidding? The freak out is MUCH worse. If any co-workers had happened into my office a mere two days ago they would have caught me bawling my eyes out on several different occasions, worried about who in this world is qualified enough to watch my precious, darling child, besides me and it's father? And that was just my Tuesday worry; my worries like to vary day to day. You know - it keeps life exciting!

As I progress further and further through this pregnancy I become more protective of this child, my flesh and blood, my temporary tenant. I want nothing but the best for this kid, and how am I, a mere mortal, going to be able to provide all that? I know that my faith and my marriage will be steadfast examples of what I want my child to witness, but what about when this child goes to pre-school? What about the mean kids who may live next door and tease my little one? How can I make sure that the psychos stay far away from the apple of my eye? Reading about the school shootings that continually happen, and hearing about the violence and mayhem that is a constant part of our world scares the ever-living crap out me. Sometimes I question my decision to bring another person into a world that seems to be turning upside down as I type this. It is a confusing feeling to want to child more than anything; and at the same time to wish that I could bring a child into a different world, perhaps a parallel world that was all the good things we see day in and day out, and none of the bad.

Right now I should be worrying about what colors to paint the nursery, what car seat to cart this kid around in, will my milk fully come in? Don't get me wrong, I AM worried about all that, but I am also so worried about what this child's life will be like, and will my love for this child be enough to protect it from all that I fear. Reasonably, no, but please don't burst my bubble by telling me that a mother's love is not the answer to everything, because right now I need to believe that it is.

On a much lighter note, friends of mine threw me a 'good luck' brunch over the weekend and it was such a joy to attend. It is so nice to know this baby is loved so much before it even enters this world. I got some great books as gifts at the brunch, and we have already started reading some of them to my belly at night, which I absolutely love. I still haven't felt the kid move since that time, over a week ago, when it could have been moving, but also could have my brain on spaz mode. To say I am a little worried about not feeling it move again is...well...a big fat understatement. Have I done something to harm this baby? Was the bath water to warm? Was my workout to strenuous? Did I eat too much Nutella? In all seriousness, I hope this kid is okay, I just need to feel it move again and I can replace that worry with another one. A mother's work is never done!

You like to move it move it

This morning as I was lying in bed trying to convince myself to get up and start my day (after being awake YET AGAIN from 5 am to 6:30 am and then falling back asleep right before the alarm went off which, despite what one may think, does not equal totally awesome), I felt it. The it that I have been waiting to feel since day one, and not the gassy, stomach growl it. I really think that I felt my baby move!

I was lying on my left side, bedroom windows open, listening to a neighbor repeatedly try to start a car that was notworkingforGod'ssake! As I contemplated what I could say to this neighbor who was starting his car 50 billion times in a row, probably doing even worse damage to the car, I felt a soft fluttering on my left side. I stopped, thought about what was happening, and then convinced myself that I could not be feeling this baby move this early in my pregnancy. Despite the evidence yesterday from our sonogram that this kid is all over the place, I was doing a really good job of telling myself that my insomnia had finally caught up with me.

The fluttering continued for a little while longer. The feeling reminded me of how overworked muscles feel. I have worked out so hard in the past that my muscles will shake, and this felt similar. Only, I have not worked my stomach muscles out in quite some time (really, it's not a beer gut, it's a baby) so it couldn't be muscle fatigue. The fluttering/muscle shaking didn't last long, maybe 5-10 seconds and then it left. I was still reeling between possibly feeling my baby move for the first time and doubting myself that was what I actually felt, and then the movement came back again. This time I let it happen for a little while and then I pressed where I was feeling the fluttering and it just magically stopped. I am pretty sure that was my kid in there saying hi and it made my day, hell it made my year. I am simultaneously excited beyond belief and scared to death to meet this kid, and today the realization that YES, I am actually going to birth a baby was made even more evident with this kid moving around. This kid's birthday is much closer than I would actually like to admit, and feeling it move for the first time makes me realize that time is going to fly by between now and February.

Oh kiddie kid kid, keep moving around and letting me know that you are okay. That makes me so very happy. I can't wait for your Dad to feel you say hi for the first time. In my opinion it is better than my wedding day, birthday, Christmas, and Halloween all on the same day which is saying A LOT.

19 weeks!

Oh me. It's hard to find time to write, and yet I want to update. I get worried that I am not updating, then I worry about how my writing is, am I entertaining enough? Do my stories make sense? And then I remind myself that all of three people know this website exists and really, I should just type whatever is on my mind and not stress out about what I am saying. Easier said than done.

Life has been so busy lately. When I am not working I am thinking about all the work we need to do to get the house ready for this kid...and the best way I know how to do that is sit on my ass and watch TV. Really, it is so efficient. No wonder I am a tad stressed about all that needs to get done. However, I can say with confidence that when this kid arrives I will be completely caught up on Grey's Anatomy, so that is one less thing I will have to worry about.

Today was a day that I won't soon forget. We went for the 19 week sonogram! The blob that was residing in my stomach at 7 weeks has grown up! We saw the spine, heart, legs, arms, hands, feet, brain, bladder, nose, chin, and it's freaky little Skeletor eyes. And! And it yawned as we were watching it, already it is bored with us and our excitement over its miraculous existence. I loved seeing how much this kid was moving around, it was so active, which reassured me even more that it was healthy.

I was so tempted to ask if the technician could tell if this kid was a boy or a girl. There was a moment that I almost asked, and then I willed my mouth shut. When I told Jim I almost asked he said it was better that I didn't, it would be too easy to follow up with: 'So. Go ahead. Tell me what it is.' Ooooo...but it was hard to resist asking. And at one point I had convinced myself it is a girl, but then Jim pointed to some image on one of the print out pictures and said "Is it a boy?" So, we are just back to square one and I hope to be guessing all the way up until February 28.

Baby: I can't wait to meet you! Already you are the most awesome kid in the world because you are mine!