Sick

I am so unbelievably sick. As in: ear ache, sinus headache, sore throat, runny nose, constant sneezing, and feeling crappy. However, I have been able to lie on the couch all day and feel very sorry for myself, and that has made me feel a tiny bit better. But, I fear that these days are about to come to a crashing halt. In 7 months I will no longer be able to feel sorry for myself if I get sick, because I will have a helpless little human to care for 24 hours a day. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to have this child, but I am also scared to death. Scared, because nothing will ever be the same again. I will no longer be able to lie in bed and 'rest' if I feel sick, or tired, or just have a headache, in fact, I am pretty sure that word 'rest' will become extinct in this house. It's strange to feel so totally ready and so completely unprepared for something at the exact same time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go lie down, use another entire box of tissues in an hour, and be sick: Alone.

Nice to meet you...I'm...pregnant

Great Googly Moogly! There is indeed a little person inside of me! Unreal. Completely, totally, mind-blowingly, overwhelmingly, unreal.

Well, the appointment today was a lot like I expected and nothing like I expected. I drank the required 16 oz of water 1 hour before the appointment time at 12:30. By noon I was experiencing some bladder pressure, by thought I could tough it out until after the ultrasound. By 12:15 I was keeping my legs crossed and my hand pressed as hard as possible in between my legs (so lady like). By 12:31 I thought I might cry a little and by 12:34 I wanted to pass out. Finally, around 12:36 the nurse called me back to change for the ultrasound, and since I could barely stand up straight they let me use the bathroom. But just a little! "Pee in this cup, and try and remember how much liquid you expel. Thanks." Um...okay, why?. But Sweet Jesus, peeing never felt so good. Even though I did only go a little. I said a thank you prayer the whole time I was "expelling".

After I was mercifully allowed to somewhat empty my bladder I entered the room with the machine (that sounds very sci-fi, it wasn't). I was waiting for the technician to get Jim from the front office and looked over at the ultrasound screen, only to see my name across the top of the screen. Cue tears. I cannot describe the feelings that came over me knowing in just a little while I would hopefully be seeing something on that screen that Jim and I created. A life. That we created. By ourselves (which, thank goodness, because that could get a little freaky if we weren't by ourselves). Another person.

Jim came in and stood to the side and the technician began her work. For awhile Jim just stood there and I just craned my head to try and see what the sam hill was going on. The technician was oh so unhelpful by keeping her mouth shut almost the whole time, so neither one of us had any idea what was happening for awhile. I'm pretty sure Jim saw the baby before I did simply because he did not have to look back over his shoulder to see what was going on. Finally, after what seemed like a very long time the technician showed me the baby, which was super duper teeny tiny and estimated that due to the size our baby is around 7 weeks, three days, give or take a few days. Cue more tears. Our baby...seven weeks...OUR baby...the baby that we made.

The Radiologist came in after the technician finished to verify how far along I am, and confirmed that I did not conceive after my last period (which, duh, I dun tole you that) but did so about a month after my last period. This puts me conceiving right around the time I thought, end of June (plus two weeks, so middle of June). I am so smart.

Which means that in March 2006, there will be another person here on earth. A person that may look like Jim, or may look like me, but a person that we created. Holy crap. That truly blows me away.

Falling

There are a lot of things round these here parts that are falling, and falling fast.

Two days ago my temperature started falling, something that alarmed me the first day, and then freaked me out yesterday, so much so that I basically sat in one place all day long, afraid to move. I called my doctor's office and told them that my temperature was dropping (everything I have read says your temp stays elevated throughout the entire pregnancy) and said I wasn't experiencing as much morning sickness as I was just a week ago, and I had stomach pains that had been present since the night before. I was scared. The nurse, who for the forty frillionth time asked when my last period began reported to me that I was 11 weeks along (um....NO, I'm NOT) and that is when morning sickness symptoms start to diminish. So, I played along for the sake of my sanity and said 'but what about the falling temperature'? She didn't know what to say for that one. So I sat down on my couch, decided that staying still was the best option, and cried.

Luckily today I have my first ultrasound scheduled AND my temperature finally decided to go back up the scale and give my freak out genes a rest. I still don't quite understand why I don't have as many morning sickness symptoms, but I am thankful that things are a little better on the stomach front. One strange thing that is happening is I will crave something like mac and cheese, eat it once, become completed disgusted, and not want anymore. And while my stomach isn't turning circles inside me, there is very little food that appeals to me right now. Yesterday I subsided on wheat thins, pepper jack cheese, and strawberry yogurt. Let's hope this kid isn't a picky eater because my body decides to hate every food in existence during the next 9 months.

Another thing I notice is that tears fall fast and free, at times for things I wouldn't have thought twice about a month ago. I find myself all verklempt over motherhood stories, adoption stories, birth stories, celebrity sightings, road kill, and Grey's Anatomy re-runs, though really it's the first three that truly get me gushing. Forever I have been reading other mother's blogs, trying to prepare myself for such a life changing event and now...now I read with one eye closed because the detailed explanation of how a mother's visa was approved so that she can now adopt from Russia leaves me bawling. I only imagine these feelings will grow stronger as this baybee gets bigger, and I am not sure that I (or my husband) can handle my whirlwind emotions.

As for the ultrasound today, I am prepared to cry the minute the nurse comes in the room. However, since I have kept my guard up during this pregnancy and not allowed myself to truly accept that there is a baby inside me, I am also prepared to be a bit stoic, perhaps...impassive? That should warm everyone's heart. Really, when it comes down to it, I am nervous. The unknown is scary, which includes being unprepared to have a baby. Do not be surprised when I leave the Radiologist's office and head straight to Babies R Us to register for everything under the sun and then some.

A big ole mess of information

Since I have been irregular all of my life I figured that getting pregnant would not be an easy feat. It took my mother somewhere around five years to become pregnant with me, so I felt for sure that I would have to give it the ole college try over and over and over again for years and years and years. Well, you know what? It just so happens that I was wrong.

When Jim and I decided that we were ready to start trying, (I believe that was right around the time that I bawled inconsolably after hearing the Celine Dion song A New Day has Come, my shame...it knows no boundaries.) we did just that, started trying. But nothing happened, which was pretty much what we expected. So, I went out and got the book 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility' because my fertility needed some serious help. The book goes into great detail in regard to how a woman can tell if she is near ovulation, regardless of whether or not she is regular every month. Signs include change in daily temperature, change in cervical fluid (yik) and change in (are you ready) position of cervix. Exsqueezeme? So, being the brave and willing student that I am, I started trying to document all of my "changes" on a daily basis. My temperature was easy to record, I would always take it as soon as I woke and chart it on a handy little graph that the book provides. The other two signs I tried to document as well, but I wasn't as diligent with recording the daily information. Plus, looking for my cervix was a bit tricky and I didn't really like giving myself an Obgyn exam every single morning.

I think I started using those book methods the early part of 2006, maybe February? I thought that once I was recording all my vital womanly stats that pregnancy was right around the corner. The thing was, I really didn't completely grasp how all the information was supposed to mesh together and I basically just said I little prayer that if I kept recording the information I would just get pregnant. I am such a scientific dingbat. For a little while nothing happened, and then low and behold...I was pregnant. It worked! My scientific method was foul proof! I was a genius. But then, we all know the story, I lost the baby and everything came to a crashing halt.

After I had that miscarriage I was devastated. My body ached to become pregnant again right away, it was all I could think about. So, I re-read my fertility self-help book (fshb) and vowed that I would make myself understand all about my body, or die trying, but I just ended up even more confused. So when my temperature dips that means I am done with ovulation? Or wait, when it dips that means I could still possibly get pregnant? HOW many types of cervical fluid are there and honestly, can women really tell the difference?

Even though I was feeling like a failure due to the fact that I was a woman and could not grasp a book about women's reproductive systems, I trudged on. I dutifully recorded temps and recorded when we did it (gasp!). According to the fshb it is helpful to record when it happens, because if a woman has 18 high temperatures after doing it then she is more than likely pregnant. From March to June I did everything I was supposed to (short of actually understanding I was doing) and still did not get pregnant. I began to suspect that a second pregnancy was not as easily attainable as the first, and though disappointing, I focused on the alone time I still had with Jim. Apparently that is the way you become pregnant, think of all the free time you have on your hands and how determined you are to enjoy said free time. Voila! Pregnant!

After one Friday night in late June my temperature started to steadily rise again, and stayed risen. Wha? Could it be? This shift in temperature was much more subtle than the shift for my first pregnancy. During my first pregnancy my temperature shot up almost two whole degrees and then started dropping right away. Bad sign. For this shift I saw it start to rise and then level out about a degree higher than my normal temperature. Good sign.

So, it has been just over 18 days and I have had a temperature that has stayed consistently high, something for which I am so thankful. I feel pretty confident that I know the day we conceived, since I was into deep into my fertility self-help, and I related my perceived conceived date to the nurse at my Obgyn's office.

Nurse: Oh, I really doubt that is possible.
Look lady. Whose body is it? Who meticulously recorded all the damn information (never mind that I didn't exactly understand it)? I think I know when I got pregnant, okay?
Nurse: So, if you think you conceived on June 23 then that makes you a little over 4 weeks pregnant.
Right! Wait? 4? I thought 2? Huh?

It turns out that I actually know nothing about pregnancy except that my breasts are like two over inflated water balloons and my stomach is now a full time gymnast. But I shant let that stop me from thinking I know more. After all, I read a fertility self help book, so there.

To hurl or not to hurl? That is the question.

Well, it seems that my body has officially decided to remind me I am pregnant every blessed day, which, I don't exactly want. I have this sneaky little 'theory' that if I don't think about this pregnancy as much as I thought about the last one, then everything will be fine and the baby will make it. What? My 'theory' makes perfect sense to me. Don't knock it. (Can you just see 9 months down the road, when I am still practicing said theory and I have to tell everyone that I am just really, really hungry? Now pass the damn chicken, yes, the WHOLE chicken!)

To sum it up, my brain and my body are not agreeing about the proper way to house a wee little fetus in my uterus.

Brain: La de da. Were those two pink lines I saw a couple of weeks ago on a stick? How interesting. Truly. Now, where can I score some guacamole?

Body: You will throw up now! HAHA! JUST KIDDING! Or am I? You'll never know! You are getting very queasy...but don't run to the bathroom! Nothing will happen! You want to hurl don't you? Well you won't! Nannie nannie boo boo! I will trick you with my mad morning sickness skillz. (Repeat 3 bajillion times a day.)

I am already quite tired of how my body is choosing to deal with this pregnancy. But, I really shouldn't complain because my morning sickness gives me hope that things are different this time around. I didn't have these symptoms with the last pregnancy, and the symptoms I did have vanished; poof! in record time. I keep telling myself that I should be seeing this queasiness as a blessing, and really I am just trying to trick myself into being happy in the midst of wanting to yak everywhere. So far it's sort of working, and by sort of I mean not really.

When I pictured myself pregnant I imagined a glowy, excited, radiant, smiley, happy me, complete with cute maternity shirt and perfect hair. I did not picture someone whose morning, afternoon, and sometimes evening, would be spent debating whether or not to run back and forth to the bathroom or for the love of pete just stay put because moving less is always a good thing when you think your food may become a rental.

I am still holding fast to the image of the glowy, radiant me because that would be just dandy. Though any image of me pregnant is dandy because that means that I am pregnant. (Oh really? Wow, I am smart. S-M-R-T.)

Next Thursday I go in for my first ultrasound so I can find out how far along I am because right now I have no clue. The only thing I do know is my bladder continues to shrink and my stomach likes to do roundoffs and impress my liver, gall bladder, and spleen with the fact that it can sometimes do a front pike somersault.

Please; for the love of all that is holy

MAKE IT STOP! THE INDIGESTION! THE NAUSEA!

These are...

These are days that you'll remember
Never before and never since, I promise
Will the whole world be as warm as this
And as you feel, it
You'll know it's true
That you - you are blessed and lucky
It's true - that you
Are touched by something
That will grow and bloom in you

Thank you 10,000 Maniacs, I could not have said it better myself.

I just spoke with my Dr. and things are looking good on the baby front. Granted, it's still VERY early in the game...but right now my beta HCG had gone up about 7 times since my first blood test. I had a blood test on June 28 and my levels were in the 700's. I had another test done on July 3 and those results yielded levels in the 5,000's. Thank you Jesus. My problem with the first pregnancy was those HCG levels were not going up at all; they stopped increasing almost immediately which meant no baby for me the first time around. This is all still very sureal for me, I feel like I am talking about someone else's pregnancy and not my own.

But hot damn, I just may have a baby after all.